Hollywood Babble On & On #327: Let's Help MGM

I'm buoyed by the response I got over my suggestions with what could have been done with the $60 million pissed away on the movie Che, so I'm going to posit another possibility.

MGM-UA has been declared a going concern, and has been meeting all of its debt requirements, which bodes well for the company, but it's $5.5 billion dollar library isn't enough to keep the company going. It needs new product to increase it's value and revenue potential.

Now normally I don't support remakes, I think MGM's plan to remake Red Dawn is about 20+ years too late, but it looks like MGM might have no choice but to do some remakes until the company is on a surer financial footing.

Which is where you come in. I want you to look up the MGM library, and see what films could be used in a remake that won't offend the sense and sensibility of movie fans.

Here are my suggestions:

TELEFON: The original was a Charles Bronson vehicle where he played a KGB agent hunting Donald Pleasance who is using the phone to set off brainwashed people and turn them into killers.

THE REMAKE CONCEPT: A KGB agent, whose came to America as a sleeper in the 1970s or 80s and stayed after the USSR's collapse, finds out that an old associate has sold the list of brainwashed people, and the instructions to use them, to a terrorist organization, and has to stop the plan before this cold war relic wreaks havoc. It'll be a great part for an older actor, and if anyone says that won't sell, tell them three little words: "Gran Torino, Taken." Hat tip to Thierry Attard whose horrified reaction to the concept made me think of this post.

THE SATAN BUG: A thriller about a mad scientist threatening to "play god" with vials of stolen bio-weapons and the secret agent tasked to stop him.

THE REMAKE CONCEPT: Despite being directed by action movie legend John Sturges, and a script by top action/adventure writers Alistair McLean, James Clavell, and screenwriter Edward Anhalt, was surprisingly light on real thrills. They were trying to be more cerebral than the Bond films but when was found wanting by critics and audiences. My advice, take the thrills and suspense that's inherent in the story, and run with it.

THE BRIDE WORE BLACK: A French film by Francois Truffaut, about a woman out for revenge when her husband's killed at their wedding.

THE REMAKE CONCEPT: Beautiful woman, action, suspense, and beautiful European locales, the film makes itself.

FROM NOON TIL THREE: A rare Charles Bronson romantic comedy about an Old West outlaw who becomes a legend thanks to the overwrought imagination of a lonely widow in a big isolated house, but when he can't live up to the legend things start to get weird.

THE REMAKE CONCEPT: If handled as a satire of media culture, with liberal doses of racy comedy, it could work.

SECRET ADMIRER: An old fashioned romantic farce in the guise of an 80s teen sex comedy about a misdirected anonymous love letter that wreaks havoc wherever it goes.

THE REMAKE CONCEPT: Michael Cera, Amada Seyfried, as the leads, a sharp script, and Jason Reitman directing, you could have a winner.

YOUR PAST IS SHOWING: A mostly forgotten Peter Sellers black comedy about a TV star with a taste for elaborate disguises plotting to kill a blackmailing tabloid editor.

THE REMAKE CONCEPT: Jim Carrey dons a variety of disguises as he plots to snuff out an obnoxious gossip blogger who is blackmailing half of Hollywood. Trust me, the hissy fits it'll cause among real gossip bloggers will be worth millions in advertising.

So get poking around the MGM-UA library, come up with some concepts, and I'll poach them and pitch them to MGM myself for millions! Bwah-hah-hah!

Just kidding, MGM doesn't have millions to spare.

I'll do it for thousands! Bwah-hah-hah!

Hollywood Babble On & On #318: Furious D's Remake-Reboot Round-Up

1. AMERICAN WEREWOLF IN LONDON
Reason for disgust- The film was done right the first time, and the fact that it's sort-of sequel American Werewolf in Paris was so quickly forgotten, shows that CG werewolves aren't all they're cracked up to be.

Reason for hope- Dimension is part of The Weinstein Company, which is broke, so this cinematic abomination getting made highly unlikely, and even if it does, Harvey's better at finding excuses to not release films than release them, it could still fail to see the light of a full moon.

2. RED DAWN
Reason for disgust- Red Dawn was extremely 80s. With the media telling us that nuclear annihilation was right around the corner, a film showing the conventional invasion of America by communist forces was a refreshing change of pace. Sadly, the Soviet Union obviously skipped the MGM story conference, because they collapsed about 20 years ago, which mean that it ceased to exist before the movie's lead characters were born.

Reason for hope- I can't see one. This is going to waste a lot of money for the already cash strapped MGM, unless they decide to turn it into a comedy and hire the South Park guys, America, fuck yeah.

3. CONAN THE BARBARIAN
Reason for disgust- I have a sneaking suspicion that they're going to draw their inspiration from neither the first film, or it's audaciously sword swinging source material, but will probably just rehash that cinematic abortion called Conan The Destroyer.

Reason for hope- At least Brett Ratner is reportedly not on the project anymore. Hopefully someone who appreciates the blood and guts nature of the source material, and didn't make X3

4. ROBOCOP
Reason for disgust- Robocop was a film about the 1980s, a very different time than the 2010's. It doesn't really age well, and slick special effects are not going to update it, especially after the bitter aftertaste left by the awful sequels, and the cheapo Canuck TV series.

Reason for hope- I can't see one.

5. CREATURE FROM THE BLACK LAGOON
Reason for disgust- The film was great for its time, its creature suit was revolutionary, and created some scary and impressive imagery. Nowadays there is nothing impressive about special fx, audience see CG, and yawn, because it required no craftsmanship or artistry.

Reason for hope- At least Universal won't have to pay for the franchise. Other than that, I got nothing.

6. LOGAN'S RUN
Reason for disgust- Another film that was for and about its time. I can't really appreciate the film out of the context of the 1970s. Plus, the original was truly made by Jenny Agutter in that flimsy little outfit.

Reason for hope- A smart director and screenwriter could make it a brutal satire of Hollywood's obsession with youth and unbelievable standards of physical perfection, but that's highly unlikely. It'll probably turn into some sort of Matrix rehash.

7. FAHRENHEIT 451
Reason for disgust- While it was a brilliant novel, the concept of burning all books to control information, seems quaint in the age of the internet.

Reason for hope- I can't see much hope here, there are just too many temptations for Hollywood to screw it up.

8. T.J. HOOKER
Reason for disgust- The original show was an unremarkable cop show made a cult favourite by the off kilter charisma of William Shatner as the middle aged patrol sergeant teaching his rookie partner the ropes.

Reason for hope- Outside of Adrian Zmed getting work in a cameo role, the only real reason is an updated version of this scene on the big screen.



I understand that Charlize Theron's new agent Ari Emmanuel is negotiating for her to get the part.