No, Tom Cruise doesn't have a movie coming out this month, but since we don't see him becoming relevant anytime soon (nowadays his son is in the news more than he is), now is as good a time as any to pick on him. The questionably straight movie star flipped his lid a few years ago, and he's never quite recovered. All of a sudden he started running around like some kind of maniacal 14-year old who just figured out how fun it is to say really inflammatory things. This is what happens when a crazy person doesn't believe in psychiatry. We're not saying that avoiding the following missteps would have saved his
#10
Getting Angry Over a Squirt Gun
Come on, Tom. It was a silly prank. You know, a prank...like starting a religion that believes the spirits of space aliens are stuck in our bodies. Pranks are silly. I'd link to the YouTube video, but Tom's PR army has taken down every copy I could find.
#9
Dancing on BET
Tom. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy. The people aren't laughing with you -- they're definitely laughing at you. Your dancing looks like somebody with Forrest Gump legs is trying to do the Air Motorcycle. Get your legs fixed, my man. Until then, don't dance, Forrest.
#8
Making Valkyrie
For some reason it never occurred to Tom Cruise that plastering gigantic pictures of himself dressed up as a Nazi all over the country might be bad for an image that already had taken a hit. And oh yeah, nice American accent, Tom.
#7
Opposing Medical Marijuana
Tom Cruise got all pissy-pantsed and decided to throw a wing-ding when somebody named some medical marijuana Tom Cruise Purple. Apparently he didn't like that there was a picture of him laughing like a total idiot on a big vial of drugs, or the implication that if you got really, really high you might act just like him.
#6
Eating His Baby's Placenta
Is it okay to eat baby placenta? Dogs do it. Really smelly hippies do it. If Tom Cruise really wanted to go to town on a pound of "food" that splashed out of his wife's vajay, that's his choice. But seriously, there was no reason to tell GQ magazine that he was going to do it. Especially when everybody thought he was crazy to begin with. And saying that he "researched" it doesn't help either - it just makes him sound like the kind of maniac who sits around looking up recipes for placenta meatloaf.
#5
Making A Scientology Video
What in God's name is he even talking about? Did he not realize there is such a thing as YouTube? At least it answers the question of who Scientologists really are - the world's best EMTs, duh, because they are the only people capable of helping somebody who's been in a car accident. So if you're laying on the street with blood gushing out of your ears, you'd better make sure that the paramedic knows who Xenu is before you let him put you on a stretcher. Otherwise you're totally screwed.
#4
Yelling About Brooke Shields
Remember that time when Tom Cruise pissed off his primary fan base (aging housewives who've never heard of Clive Owen) by saying that postpartum depression wasn't real, and that new moms just have a case of the frownsies? Surprisingly, that didn't end well. You DO NOT mass with the Brooke.
#3
Denouncing Psychiatry
Usually after making a huge PR mistake, one goes out and issues one of those really crappy "I'm sorry if anybody was offended" apologies; they don't go on 'The Today Show' and call Matt Lauer a bunch of names. Usually. Not Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise will do whatever he wants. He's freaking Maverick! He can throw a bottle of liquor into the air and catch it! He googled the history of psychiatry and read the wikipedia on it! Okay? He went to public high school. He knows things.
#2
Jumping On Oprah's Couch
Oh boy, the mistake that started it all. We know he wasn't taking any meds, since he clearly doesn't believe in them. Maybe he heard they were having an open call audition for Kangaroo Jack. Regardless, you know you've gone over the edge when all Oprah can say is "the man is gone" over and over again, and your girlfriend doesn't want to come out and greet the crowd. 
#1
Becoming A Scientologist
Alright, it's not cool to persecute others because of their religion, but is anybody else noticing that all of this weird crap started happening after Tommy Boy underwent that first crucial stress test? Now he's like a Mormon missionary, only instead of turning off all the lights and laying down on your floor until he goes away, you have to keep changing the damned channel so you don't have to listen to him tell you how to change your life forever.
No comments:
Post a Comment